Daily Q: March resolutions?
Hello blog!!! sorry for the major innactivity, been in a wild mental state lately, everyday, even if ive done nothing, has felt like a whirlwind. I feel like lately I havent even felt physically 100%, which isnt really something new, but anoying still. This next 2 weeks is my 'lock in with my art' weeks. My school is putting on a art show, which honestly is probably going to be the only chance in my life to show off a collection of pieces that are cohesive, which has always been a lil dream of mine. Going to add a page for my classes (becuase I have to...). My March resolution is for less screen time, I need to be more creative! Constantly watching people be the version of myself I wish I was (dressing differently, being a creative artist, bla bla bla) is starting to really get to me. Downloaded the app Opal, we'll see how it goes!
Daily Q: No!
Hello blog...downloaded dark souls, will play on saturday so I have something to look foreward to. I am scared to go back 2 work!!!
Daily Q: If you could get rid of any one bad habit, what would it be?
Hello blog! life has been crazy bust lately (or at least my brain has been). Me and my art class have a instulation thngy were doing march 12th that I am trying to get stuff done for (see daily art), and friday is my first day back at work! Its a long ass shift, 6pm-12, so thatll be rough, but i need some money so badly itll be worth it. One bad habit that comes to mind that I would get rid of is procrastination, my laundry is something I deal with daily that actually effects me that I notice I put off a lot, goodnight blog!
Daily Q: Are you a spender or a saver? Why?
Hello blog! recently ive just been farting arond the house, whole body so sore im waiting to feel fully better to go back to the jim. I am such a spender, i have $0 saved up, at my most I had like maybe $400 but I just love instant gratification, I think thats one of my worst traits, good night blog.
Daily Q: How did you meet your first best friend? What are they up to now?
Hello blog! Today wasnt very good, but I am on my period so that is probably why. My very first best friend was in 2nd grade, her name was peyton and she got hit by a car and died. Rip girl. The end. Goodnight blog
Daily Q: I dont wanna
Hello blog! today was good! I aslo had my hair consultation to get it bleached on friday, she said i should do i color remover at home so i bought some bright color color removed, which is just 10v strength bleach which I think is really light strength, so hopefully this dosent effect the bleach on friday, eek! I sill have like 25 mins till i wash out, also i didnt do a test strand kuz im reatrded so all my hair might fall out and thats whatever.
9:25 PM
hair went well!! much less red now, my roots i dint get since i dont want to mess up the hairdresers plan too much. I also did go to the gym today which went well to!
Daily Q: What is your favorite time of the day and why?
Hello blog! Another good day! I had mcdonalds with my friend and it was wonderful, so yummy. Last swim practice! And last swim meet (ever) tomrrow! I would sa its bittersweet this part of my life coming to a end but its not, its just yummysweet. My favorite time of day is the time between after school and going to bed, specifically like 8-10, where its dark and family is starting to wind down, but I dont feel guilty for being up. I have been taking creatine for the past 2 days, clearly no changes yet (changes usually come between a week to a few weeks, though since I am new to the gym and not super famliar with my own muscle growth timeline situation I dont think ill notice a difference between if I was taking it or not), I didnt notice how empty the jar was becuase it is pretty much completely empty lol. I think im going to order more, along with a shaker bottle and some gym shorts, becuase I do have shorts but they are pj shorts so...not suitable for the gym lol. Goodnight blog!
Daily Q: How have your current habits been serving you? Are there any that need to change?
Hello blog! today was good! late start at school so I didnt have to go in till 12, went to all my classes and swim and gymed afterwords, good day! My recent habits have been okay, most definelty better than they have been in the past, still working on keeping up on my hygeine, but thats such a uphill battle for me. Skipping classes is another bad habit I am slowly but surely fixing. I am reallly hoping my motivation for the gym will keep on going. Art motivation has been very mid lately, not been wanting to do art outside of school at all pretty much. Goodnight blog!
Daily Q: What are five small moments that you were grateful for in the past week?
Hello blog! Today went well, during my off block on 3rd period and lunch i went home and took a nap, i snoozed my alarm about a million times, i really didnt want to go back to school at all, but I went back and finished up my art piece. Then I really really didnt wanna go to swim but I did anyway, swim went by so fast today so that was awesome. five moments in the grateful for in the past week have been, my nap today, going to the gym and being happy about it, going to sleep every night, juno settlig and letting me sleep well, and getting to go to cosco with my mom. This mindset of "oh once swim is over I will be able to do blank and blank and blank" I really hope is actual excitement and not just fantasy.
Daily Q: What activities make you feel the most yourself?
Hello blog! Slowly but surely getting my life back togther, as I said this week is the last week of swim hell. Gymed again today and I used one of the massage chairs they have there and holy shit...Mostly wonderful, but i kept getting panicy when t would squeeze my legs or my arms, made me feel like I was stuck lol. The activities that currently give me the most joy are, doing art, and working out (not swimming! being able to work out on my own terms and do what I wanna do). Ugh I have so much laundry piling up, also skipped my 1st period class today, and gotta get 2 of my F's up before friday...maybe im not 'getting my shit together' as much as I feel like I am.
Daily Q: I dont wanna...
Hello blog! sorry about the inactivity, been being a busy chud lately. Last week of swim!!!! I went to the gym today and if I wasnt super excited for swim to be over before, now im extra super excited. I will never get near a body of water again after this shit is over. I am excited to start working agai, I hate being broke and feel so guilty having to use my parents money for everything. Hopefully ill go back to like 3 days a week so theres still time for gym and art, even if i do end up having to work more than that, the money makes me feel less burnt out. Tomorrow should be a new day, last moring practice so were bringing glow sticks and speakers and just play in the wawa, I didnt do my culinary hw so i might just not go... probably better than being shamed for not doing it, maybe ill gym after school! Goodnight blog
Daily Q: none..too sleepy
Hello blog! been a while... Today I drank 2 smoothies from the store in those little bottles, never again!!! my belly hurts so bad. This past week ive had no motivation to do anything, which isnt new but its worse than normal right now. Swim takes up so much actual time and so much of my brain space, no energy to put towards anything else. theres only 2 more weeks though, so thats good news. Juno is finally well enough to bring her to the big dog park again which is nice. My swim bad smells so nasty, all the wet towels and swim suits i guess, i am pretty emberassed by it but i feel like its pointless to wash it then have to wash it again once swim is over, erg.
Daily Q: What is something unexpected that happened to you recently? How did it impact you?
Hello blog! today was prety good, sooo fricking long (senior night 4 swim), sick teacher that hasnt been at school nearly all year was there so that made my day. one unexpected thing that happened to me recently is at a swim meet, looking crazt, with my hair that recently ive been hating a girl said she loved my hair!! clearly i know no body is looking at or thinking about everything that is wrong/ that they could change about me, but its hard to stay in that mindset sometimes. Also made me think maye i should give people compliments more often. Goodnight blog!
Daily Q: What is the most sacred thing about you?
Hello blog! These past few days have been busy and quite rough. Nothing really actually horrible has been going on im just very stressed out for eemingy no reason. Swim practice felt like it went on forever today, after there was some dumb drama related stress that was completely unnecisary. The most sacred part about me is my inner child. I hate lanything that makes that part of me feel gross (mlp porn, and stuff of that nature). As a child I wasnt really allowed to indulge into my interests that much since my parents thought it was unhealthy, so that childlike part of me that wants to rewatch all my favorite movies and learn every fact and own every piece of merch is just now being let out. it is very sacred becuase specifically men will use that stuff against you, it also is a little weird and abnormal so...better to keep it to myself.
Daily Q: What are my top 3 goals for this year?
Hello blog!!! sorry for the inactivity the past few days, been a little bedrotting chud so yeah. yesterday I did find some rly cute stuff at the thrift (see picrel), so pretty much I been on a high since then. My top 3 goals for this year is #1 hopefully to be in some kinf of secondary school/trainingnext august (or at least have something lined up, to not give into being a bedrotting chud (better hygeine, engage in hobbies ets...), and to get better at saving up money! I dont wanna go into more detail, the bed calls to me.
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Daily Q: Are you taking enough risks in your life? Would you like to change your relationship to risk? If so, how?
hello blog! today i missed 3rd and last period again so thats awesome! i really didnt wanna go to swim but I forced myself and im glad that I did since I have a swim meet tomorrow. on the topic of the daily question i think that my relationship with taking risks is very off and on. i will take any risk if it means instant gratification, but risks that will positively effect my future I think i dont take enough of.
Daily Q: What is religion/ spirituality to me?
Hello Blog! Today has been okay, i got my 3rd period off which is the one right before lunch which might be a mistake, i took a little nap and slept through my last period, thankfully I woke up and had the energy to go to swim. In english we analysed the "to be or not to be" solioquiy from Hamlet and I am so obsessed, i dont know if any piece of writing has ever made me feel so seen. "Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub: For in that sleep of death what dreams may come...But that the dread of something after death, The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn No traveller returns, puzzles the will,". So fricking good. My daily question is related to the quote from hamlet, in the past in my eyes the ony point of religion and spirituality has been to ease us of the fear of what happens after death, but I think the more I learn and think abour spirituality i learn theres so much more. I dont have a set list of rules and beliefs I go by, especially since so many of them contradict eachother, there are spirits but also after death there is nothing...then how did the spirits get here??? Too much thinking, too sleepy. Goodnight
Daily Q: Name one of your addictive tendencies, what do you think triggers it?
Hello blog!!!!! today has gone by so fast, in my culinary class today was the first day we had our cafe open to the public which was very exciting! A lot of my classmates were frusterated they felt like their role in the kitchen inst appreciated or that they feel like theyre learning is being put on the back burner (cooking joke hehe). I feel so guilty since the main teacher and I were working togerther the entire class period... oopsie. One of my most addictive tendancies is probably nicotine (duh). I dont really hlave a lot to say about vaping/smoking, I wanna stop but at the same time, NOPE!! ive always thought "once I notice my health declining that'll make me wanna quit!" but yet even huffing and puffing and feeling like im on the verge of passing out after swimming still isnt enough. Will i have to wake up out of a coma brough on by some sudden lung failure to finally want to quit?? who knows. i think what triggers me wanting to smoke is habit and routine (of course stress relief is also a part of it, but not as much). Its after dinner, I wanna smoke, I have a car ride, I wanna smoke, hanging out with friends, I wanna smoke.
Daily Q: What does "joy" mean to me right now?
Hello blog!!! Today has gone well, last night was rough with Juno being confused from the sedatives, she was whining and pacing aorunf till 2 AM... Im proud of myself for getting myself to school even though I was exhausted. Recently my joy has been coming from doing hard things. In the past a lot of my comfort and happiness has come from comfortablility, but at some point that confort turned to disgust and unrest. Even though I feel like im fighting more of a mental war between wanting to relax and be a hedonist and try to get my shit together, but the "getting my shit together" is actually starting to feel like self love for than hatered. im proud of myself that the things I do to improve myself now are becoming more positive, unlike in the past where starving, getting external validation, or all together pretending to be someone im not felt like the only graspable ways to feel a sense of gradification. Even the small (maybe to others but not to me) things like spending less time in my bed and trying to better my hygeine are becoming something that makes me feel proud, therefore giving me joy. On another note of what brings me joy recenly its been being creative, trying to not compare myself to others while at the same time putting it out there (even just to my close friends) feels really great.
Daily Q: What part of me am I finally ready to stop hiding or shrinking?
Hello blog! I am going to start implementing daily questions to write about/ reflect on, I want this to be less babbling and also to get more mindful...anyway... Today was alright! Hopefully the Juno vet saga is over. She finally got her stitches and is recovering well. On the topic of the question I think my issues are mostly physical. Of course I could do a deep dive on the things I hide mentally but frankly...thats too scary for a random monday night. When talking and stuff I mostly have the opposite problem where i overshare lol. I have issues with physically hiding myself though, certain things like my forehead and stomach i dont think ive ever in my life worn clothes/ a hair style that would show them off. Im not planning to get rid of my bangs or start wearing crop tops or anything drastic like that, but even just by myself I need to force some self love concentrated on those parts of myself. (P.S when trying to find a stomach themes self love image its all actually the opposite... see picrel...).
me kissing myself hating myself is so dumb and trashy and time-wasting and pointless and meaningless and pathetic
Sorry about no blog post yesterday!!! these past 2 days have been so insane and stressful. Poor Juno still hasnt gotten her stitches since all the vets weve busy today. We scheduled a vet visit tomorrow in the morning time, I really hope they'll be able to get the stitches or whatever she needs asap, its not a horribe cut but im so nervsous about it getting infected. Today I went to Zumba for the first time in a very long time and I forgot how fun it is. I am so excited for swim to be over so I can have a job and exercide how I want to like before. I am going to go to morning practice tmrw (6-7 AM...) then get Junos situation figured out.
Hello blog, today has been full of so many mixed emotions. Started off good with my fav energy drink (orange alani) and as the day progressed just got worse and worse. I got taco bell for lunch which was also a major plus. I guess actually today was pretty good till I got home from swim practice, in the time my dad left and I got home somehow my dog Juno gave herself a pretty substancial cut on her left hind leg. Since I was home alone I want calling my parents asking what I should do while I wait for them to get home to take her to the vet and they said just to relax with her. She cuddled me on the couch while we watched youtube and I did my daily drawing, shes usually not so cuddly and chill so if I didnt have physical prood something was wrong that would be a dead giveaway. The silver lining in this all is that i had a swim meet tomorrow, bus leaving at 5:30 am and predicted to be done at 2:30. Tomorrow were taking her to the vet, im guessig she will need stitches. I hope the pain dosent keep her up all night :(
this week has been mid, but today was good! Didnt skip any classes or swim today so good job, me. Swim today was very nice, at first I was bummed out I wasnt in my normal lane with my friends (hi! if ur reading this) but since I didnt want to take to the new people in my lane I just swam. I swam over 1000 meters! Driving to school I had a bad feeling becuase the weather was so gloomy today
i do that all too often, cursing my own day before it has even started.
I am glad to have a website, clearly I am not happy with it just yet, I cant believe how bare bones it is especially since ive been working on it since 3pm... Any kind of progress is good though. Today has been alright, overall just moody lately, somehow I lost my swim suit, so bye bye last $40 in my account...
